the paper doll

Grad School Blues

Hello-lo-lo-lo,

Yes it's me Internet.  Are you still there?  Is anyone out there?  Testing.  One.  Two.  One.  Two.

Graduate school is a complete mind fuck.  Did you know that Internet?  And if you did why didn't you tell me?

I've been working full time and taking a full course load.  To say my brain looks similar to those don't do drugs PSAs that aired in the early 90's, the ones with the eggs, is an understatement. 

Here's one.  Enjoy.

In fact, now that I watch this video they could change the words heroin to grad school and it would pretty much sum up the past few months for me.

So, I'm sorry things have been incredibly slack around here.  I have oh about eight papers to write and case studies to do and I'm struggling.  Oh am I struggling.

Not to mention my mom's death date and the impending holidays.  Nor the cluster of zits that has broken out across my face and refuses to leave no matter what I do.  Nor the fat that has spread out around my thighs.

I'm a poor sight right now Internet. 

I just need to hobble across the December 3rd finish line.

And win the lottery.

The lottery would be good.

So what's up with you?  I've missed you.

XO,

The Paper Doll

"When he stops, his wheels keep spinning."

Oh Internet,

You never cease to amaze me.  A couple of years ago I was watching CBS Sunday Morning (I think) and a story about a boy named Darius came on.  It moved me at the time but I've thought little of it since.  Until today.

As part of an assignment for my Multiculturalism class I just watched Darius Goes West.  And I sobbed and smiled and over flowed with joy.

A friend from class posted the following quote on his facebook page a couple of days ago,

 "All this I understood, no one needed to tell me.  The only thing I didn't understand was how in a world whose predominant characteristics are futility, cruelty, loneliness, disappointment people are saved every day by a sparrow, a foghorn, a grassblade, a tablecloth."

The juxtaposition of these two things struck a cord in me.  I am so moved not by tragedy or pain but by the grassblade.  By how when overwhelming odds are stacked against the grassblade it manages to grow anyway.  To shoot up unapologetically.  It's beauty that touches me.  Moves me to action. 

What those boys did for Darius is one of the most incredible things I've ever witnessed.  It's what we should all seek to do in our own lives.

It's that.  That action.  That care.  That makes me proud to be alive.  That saves me everyday when the world can be too cruel, too lonely, or too disappointing.

Thank you Darius.  Thank you.

-The Paper Doll dares you to watch Darius Goes West and not be inspired

Wild

 

Dear Internet,

I had a wildly magnificent day yesterday.  The kind of day where everything just clicked.  Like the universe was writing in big bold underlined letters.  And I got it, all for it, and it was good.

This morning as I was drying my hair and putting on my face.  I thought of this poem.  This wonderful poem that says all the things yesterday said to me.

Wild Geese
by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Do you hear that Internet?  You DO NOT HAVE to be GOOD!  You DO NOT have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting! 

Isn't that amazing? 

All you have to do is let your body love what it loves.

Just let your body love what it loves, Internet!

Sigh.

When I opened the book this morning there was a scrap of paper tucked behind that poem.  It was from when I was in Paris.  Sitting in the garden.  Having just made love.  Written on it was...

a little girl filling up a water bottle.  the pump overflowing.  the scent of summer.  something about the way he looks at me.  a dog.  applause.  i want to freeze this moment.  this is paris.  all of this.  running.  the hum of conversations in the grass.  belonging.  lazy days where everyone soaks up the sun.  forgetting all obligations.  just being in the moment.  laughter.  i can never recreate this.  nor do i want to.  it is a single moment.  all my own.  birds.  children.  the market.  his smile.  purple-his shirt.  eating grapes.  the taste of summer in my mouth.  a ball stuck in the tree.  a virgina wolfe kind of day.

-The Paper Doll wishes for more Virgina Wolfe kind of days

*Image is Maxfield Parrish's Wild Geese

Bedroom Makeover

I want this color on  my bedroom walls NOW! 

Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?

So Internet,

Now that I'm single I'm at liberty to discuss maleness (or the lack thereof). 

God bless the feminist movement.  Those women did some wonderful work and I'm grateful for the boundaries they broke.  However, I feel like one of the side effects was the erosion of maleness.

In my younger years I believed all that hoopla about men and women being equal.  There was no job I couldn't do.  No task too big.  I was just as good as a man, damn it!

And while parts of that are true the older I get the more I long for gender differences.  I want a man.  A real, kill the bear, chop the wood man.  And I want to be a woman.  A cook, be taken care of, tidy up the house woman.  It's just what gets me off, Internet.

But there are no men.  No real men.  The males I know would rather play the bear a song on their guitars than kill it and they sure as hell can't lift an axe much less use it to chop wood.  Which leaves me to hunt and protect which I am fully capable of doing I just prefer not to.

I can take out the trash and kill bugs.  I can fix a leaky sink and set up the cable.  I'd just rather not.  And I'm ok with that.  I'm a strong enough woman to admit that some jobs are just better suited for men. 

The problem is there are no men to do these jobs.  We are coddling our boys instead of letting them skin their knees and bash their thumbs with hammers.  Mother's you are doing the world a great disservice.  Let your boys be boys so they can grow up to be men. 

Big strong men who can kill bears and chop wood.  Who can sweep me off my feet without breaking their backs.

-The Paper Doll wants a REAL man

She said, "It looks like you're cleaning out your life."

And she was right Internet.

I AM cleaning out my life.

The Musician and I had "the talk."  It's not you it's me.  I still love you.  Let's be friends. 

And Antiplath was right, it wasn't fatal.  It was perhaps the most awkward breakup ever but it's done.  Kind of.  There's still the exchange of stuff and we do have mutual friends so it will never really be over over.  Plus he's a great guy, and I  hope eventually we CAN be friends.

Regardless, finally just saying all those things I had been holding back made me feel immensely better.  Like float to the ceiling click my heals better.

I had no idea how weighted down I had become.  It just wasn't working and I had been carrying that around with me for months.

Now, I can get serious about losing weight, getting back to yoga, and writing.  I feel like I have space to explore and expand.

And right now, that's exactly what I need.

XO,

The Paper Doll

Grace in Small Things: Whatever the hell number I'm on

God Internet I need some goodness.  Some simple, life affirming, joy bringing, goodness.

I love that the weather is starting to fall.  I was driving home the other day and just got this overwhelming sense of the change.  The light was softer, the trees swaying, it was just this tiny perfect moment.  Everything was still.  I adore fall.  The colors, the food, the intimateness of it all. 

I love Pandora.  The music ebbs and flows from my consciousness all day as I work.  I love when a song jolts me into awareness.  Or when the song just happens to perfectly align with what I'm thinking or typing.

I love school.  It's frustrating as all hell but god is it good to be exactly where you should be.

I love that the bff is back.  I love that I can drive with my sunroof open.  I love that my sweet dog curls up at the end of my bed.  That the ex-parisian redhead is have a smashing year.  That I can type on this bloggity blog.  That I can be free to be me.

Confession

Dear Internet,

We need to talk.  I haven't been honest with you.  Yeah I said I've been busy.  I started grad school.  I'm working.  I am busy.  But that's not the reason I've been mum here.

Things aren't right Internet.  They haven't been for a long time. 

And now that I am busy.  Now that I'm starting a career that makes you take a long hard look at your own shit I can't turn my head in the other direction.  I can try.  That's why I haven't written.  Really written.  Because with you I can't lie.  And boy have I been lying or trying to lie.

So here it is Internet, The Musician and I well...I don't even know how to complete that sentence.  We're limping along and I'm not sure I want to limp anymore. 

Just typing that makes me sigh. 

It's so complicated.  Isn't it always so complicated?

But it shouldn't be.  It should be two people in love.   Isn't that all you need?

As it turns out no.

You need passion.  And direction.  And attraction.  And goals.  And mutual interests.

And you need to know.  To know so deep down in your bones.

I only know on the surface.  I could be happy with him.  We could have a great life.  But my bones would always be saying what if?

And that's what makes you check into seedy hotels on your lunch break and do things you'll regret.

We've talked and talked and talked. 

As of now we're still together.  But I have to be honest with you and say I'm not sure how much longer that will be.

I want a ring and a family.

I want to know.

And I don't.

Ps-What does it mean that as soon as I hit publish the sound of settling came on my pandora?

Hey Over Here

I should probably tell you about this...

My New Site

It's really just for me.  But if you are at all interested in reading along as I try to lose 50 pounds feel free to click.

Also, can the address be more annoying? 

The Last Hold Out is Giving In

See Internet,

It's happening again.  I started grad school and bam no more posting here.  Even though I have so much I need to tell you.  Like how I redid my living room with the help of Jamie and it looks awesome.  How I cut all my hair off.  How the BFF is back.  Millions of things. 

But mush.  That's what I have between my ears.  My sentences are no longer interesting.  I'm leaving out punctuation and forgetting the rules of style.

I'm ignoring you Internet and I don't like it.

So, I've decided that I'm bringing you home.  Yep, that's right.  I, the Paper Doll, am getting you installed in my house on Saturday.

Hopefully this will make us closer.

XO,

The Paper Doll