the paper doll

The Contenders

So Internet,

Did you know people have done all kinds of projects and written about them?  Like the couple who decided they'd have sex everyday.  Sex everyday, Internet.  And they wrote a book about it!

I don't think I'll be tackling that but I do have some ideas:

1. Complete all the projects in Seams to Me.

I've always wanted to learn how to sew more than a straight line and I love Anna Maria Horner's fabrics.  The only problem sewing makes me cuss a lot.  And sometimes it's more like a chore.  But I think if I knew how to do it better it wouldn't give me such a headache.  Such a catch 22. 

2.Read and follow Julia Cameron's advice in The Writing Diet.

Umm I have a weight problem.  I have a thinking about food problem.  I have a lack of exercise problem.  I just have problems.  This is kinda like a diet but more artsy.  And I do adore Ms. Cameron.  But can writing really change my fat ass?

3. Do all the projects in 52 Projects.

I think this could be really cool.  But it feels kinda like a cop out.  Like it may be too easy.  I mean what exactly is it challenging me to do?  I also feel like there's a possibility it might involve glitter and glue sticks.   

4. Follow The Art of Extreme Self Care guidelines.

I'm mainly interested in this one because my grad program really stresses the importance of self-care for counselors considering our job is to listen to people's crap all day (and I say that in the most loving way).  I think this would fit in nicely with my school but it feels a little like cheating too since it's month by month.

So whataya think Internet?  What would you like to hear me bitch about?

My Julie/Julia Project

Oh Internet,

Have you seen Julie & Julia?  It's is the sweetest most inspirational movie ever.  I say go this instant right now to see it if you haven't.  It will change your life.  Not only did it make me want to cook but oh it made me want to do something.  To set a goal and do something every day.  I think we all need that.  A raison d'etre if you will.

But I'm struggling with what mine will be.  I do love to cook and I found myself identifying with Julie.  Especially when she has breakdowns over botched recipes.  The Musician even punched me during one scene and whispered that's so you.  Touche.

But the cook everything has already been done.

So,what should my 365 day challenge be?  Complete all the house projects?  Lose weight?  Master all the yoga poses?  Complete some number of things from my life list?  What Internet? 

Oh but it must be something.  Something I can dive into and immerse myself in.  Because the idea of having something to ground myself in is so delicious to me.

Any ideas?

XO,

The Paper Doll

Car Talk

Dear Internet and people at Tire Kingdom,

Can you please tell me why the service guy found it necessary to not only adjust my seat position, but my seat back, my lumbar support,  AND my steering wheel height?  I mean really.  The man only had to drive it about 20 feet.  Was all that necessary?  Ok the seat position I'll give you.  I'm short other people have long legs.  But the rest.  No.  DO NOT TOUCH.

Also, I'm thinking it's not really a good idea to roll all the windows down and park it on the other side of the building near the dumpster.  I have CDs and a yoga mat in there.  And from what I understand my Mazda 3 does not come equipped with a force field so you know roll the windows up when you lock the car.  Otherwise, why lock it at all?  In fact, next time why don't you just roll the windows down, leave the door unlocked, and put a big sign on it that says steal me please.  Because really leaving the windows down?!?  I know it's hot and maybe you were just trying to look out for me, but that's why God invented air conditioning. 

And could you please change my little oil change sticker next time.  I asked for an oil change.  I paid for an oil change.  And the little sticker on the inside of my car says I'm still in need of that oil change.  How do I know my oil got changed if the little sticker didn't get changed?  How do I know, Internet?

Furthermore, how do I know Tire Kingdom did anything at all Internet?

I mean the whole seat adjustment, the lack of sticker change, the windows rolled down-they all point to a joy ride if you ask me.

-The Paper Doll sometimes wishes she could be a man for a day when dealing with crap like car stuff

I'm Going to be a Counselor when I Grow Up

Dear Internet,

It's hard to transition from research paper to blog post.  No APA format (yeah what the hell is that I know-American Psychological Association has it's own special format-wtf?), no citations, no 20 pages to bullshit.  Freedom, it's a scary thing.

Seriously, in the last two months I've had to write a total of 51 APA research pages.  Can I just forget grammar for awhile Internet?  How about spelling?  Because my brain is fried.

So, because it's been awhile and I can't remember how much I've told you-I'm getting my Ed.S degree.  It's higher than a masters but not quite a doctorate.  And it means I'll be qualified to take the LPC (licensed professional counselor) exam when I graduate.  And don't ask me what the difference between a counselor, a therapist, a psychologist, a psychiatrist, or whatever else you wanna call it is because really the answer is nothing but a piece of paper.  We all kind of do the same thing and the differences are very minute.  Also, no I will not be able to prescribe you drugs.  But I will have friends that can.

You wanna talk?  You have insurance or can afford my fee?  Then come on in.  Let's do some yoga, paint, talk about it, and work out some solutions.

It's funny when I think about my journey to this place.  Now looking back, I can see how everything in my life happened to get me to this place.  The things I struggled with as a kid, some of the friends I've made, my very nature, my mom's death.  All of it has made this path for me. 

It's kind of crazy.  And comforting.  Because for the first time in my life I feel like I've found my place.  It's what I should be doing Internet.  And it feels great.

Mainly because I can be me.  All of me.  Every single little part of me can flourish as a Counselor.  I get to be creative and non conformist.  I get to use yoga and art.  But I also get to have a steady job and benefits and health insurance.

The two side of myself that are often at odds are perfectly happy with being a Counselor and that's an awesome feeling.  One I hope everyone gets to experience.

So, that's where I am right now Internet.  Stupidly.  Mind numbingly happy.  And very very tired.

-The Paper Doll wants to give you some of what she's got!

I'm Baaaaaack

So Dear Three Readers that Probably Aren't Reading Anymore Because it's been Ages Since I Last Posted,

I am sorry.  Really.  I had no idea anyone would even care if this thing went dormant for a couple of months.  I should have explained I didn't mean to get you all upset.

See what had happened was-I started grad school.  Lovely.  Wonderful.  Summer school grad school.

It has been hectic to say the least but without a doubt it's what I should be doing and I've loved every heart attack inducing moment.  I've learned so much this summer and don't know what to do with myself now that I have the tinniest break between summer school and fall semester.

I'm going to try to be better about posting here because I think my brain needs the outlet and if I ever need to go away in the future I promise I'll put up a nice little be back soon message.

Otherwise, it's back to your regularly scheduled navel gazing and posting of pictures of my house (which has been update since I've been gone).

I love you guys dearly and have missed you.

XO,

The Paper Doll

Mush

Dear Internet,

Things have been busy.  Juggling is not my forte and my brain has been zapped into a  jiggly bit of congealed salad.  I'm just keeping my eyes on June 1st.  Oh June 1st when I cut back my hours at work and start grad school.

GRAD SCHOOL INTERNET!!!

In lieu of that quickly approaching deadline I've been tidying up the Doll House.  I've gotten her in tip top shape and only  have a few lose ends to tie up which I hope to do this weekend.  Then I've scheduled a much needed mini-vacation.

Which all this is very boring to you I know but gosh what am I supposed to blog about?  Can't think.  And I was sick of that lamp being at the top of the page.

Oh I know.  Last weekend on two separate occasions I was told to have a good Mother's Day.  HAVE A GOOD MOTHER'S DAY INTERNET!  I'm not married.  I have no children.  Hell, I don't even have a mother.  And those people in Lowe's and Target are all, Have a good Mother's Day.

It made me down right hostile.  I wanted to say does it look like I'm a mother but I was afraid they'd pause and sort of stare at my belly. 

So I just glared and half opened my mouth and raised my eyebrows.  I'm sure I looked perfectly ridiculous.  But you just don't go and say, Have a good Mother's Day unless you know the person is in fact a MOTHER!

Now wasn't that worth your time?

Ok.  Let's see.

Oh how about checking out The Awkward Stage specifically their song, I Hurt the Ones That Love Me.  I know you people all have iTunes so don't get all testy about the not linking. 

And eat some bacon.  Bacon always helps.  Did I tell you I was once a vegetarian?  Yeah, not so much since I found meat candy.  I mean is there anything wrong with bacon?  I think it's perfect.

That's really all I have for you.  Check back soon.

-The Paper Doll has her head on her desk and is drooling

 

Dear Internet,

It's been one hell of a week (see the mind fuck that is financial aid for grad school). 

So, I'm giving you the first of my many, "I can totally do that myself projects." 

I've been lusting after/over a Tripod Lamp for ages (yeah just click on that link and see why I was lusting not purchasing).  Who the hell pays 275 dollars for a lamp, Internet?  A LAMP!!!  Seriously. I do not understand the economic crisis we're in if people pay 275 dollars for lamps.

I searched Target and Wal-Mart for a knock off version but even theirs were around 100 bucks.  FOR A LAMP.

So I got to thinking.  A tripod lamp is just that.  A tripod.  A quick eBay search and viola a vintage tripod for $13.51.  Now all I needed was a lamp kit (around 9 bucks from Lowe's) and a lamp shade (19.99 at Target).

For around 42.50 I had a tripod lamp.

Now I know the cord is mighty ugly but I'm thinking if I spray paint that sucker it won't be as  noticeable.  And yes the lamp shade is a little on the smallish side.  But it has those nifty designs that glow at nite.  AND IT WAS ONLY 42.50!

When A came home she said it was stunning and couldn't believe I made it.

So take that high priced lamp. 

Overall, this is a super simple project and a great way to add impact to a room. 

Try it.

XO,

The Paper Doll

Ps-In case you didn't know mine's on the right.  Fancy smancy one on the left.

Desire

Hey Internet,

If you look over there to the left you'll see I posted some pictures of my living room as it is.  Through the magic of Photoshop you can see what I want my living room to look like below.

Whataya think?

XO,

The Paper Doll

 

Shame Work

Some of you guys will probably find these posts self indulgent and boring but I'm following along here so I can get some things down on paper.  I really do encourage everyone reading to grab a copy of the book and follow along too. 

The book is a pretty easy read and the podcasts make working out fly by.

In the first post some questions were asked of us that I'm now going to answer here.

1. What scares you about this journey?

I think in doing any sort of self work there's always the fear of revealing.  Revealing old wounds.  Injures.  Hurts.  Uncovering scary parts of yourself.  That Marianne Williamson quote everyone attributes to Nelson Mandela about it's our light not our darkness that we fear most.

For me I'm afraid if I dig too deep I'll have to make some hard decisions about people I love.  That it will change how I view them.  That I'll unearth resentment for how I was treated or things that happened to me in the past. 

That people won't love or accept me or understand what I'm doing.  That I really won't be good enough.

2. What scares you about staying where you are?

Never being able to fully experience joy, love, or acceptance.  Particularly self acceptance.  Being stuck with a loop of hurt from old things I need to just let go already.  Never being able to turn off the voice in my head that tells me I'm not good enough.

3. What makes you hopeful about the journey? what would you love to find?

That I'll finally be able to look in the mirror and really love what I see.  That I'll find a tribe of women that would move a body.

#96: Get Measured for a Bra

Dear Internet,

My how the universe works in mysterious ways.  I didn't go to the gym at all last week due to the aforementioned crude and I wasn't all that enthusiastic about going yesterday.  But I had a new podcast to listen to and I felt tired and I knew I'd feel better if I just pushed myself and went.  So, I did.

And right there slapped up on the front door was an advertisement for bra fittings.  My gym does promotional events every month or so and Essentials Bodywear just happened to be the company they were hawking  for April. 

I signed my name by the 12:45 appointment and took my lunch break today to get measured for a bra (number 96 on my list of 100).

See I come from a long line of lingerie ignorers.  Every year for Christmas in addition to whatever we were giving my mom that year my dad and I had strict instructions to buy her plain white cotton panties and bras.  She wore those things until the elastic was shot, then they became dust rags.  My mom, she was very practical.  Lingerie just wasn't a priority for her. 

And like mother like daughter.  I'll wear a bra until the underwire is poking through and there are holes in the cup.  If I don't have plans for a hot date I really don't care what's going under my clothes.  My underwear drawer is a sad sad thing Internet.  I make do with Target brands and plain utilitarian undergarments.

But that has all changed.  The error of my ways has been revealed.  The good news is although I was wearing cheap bras I was at least wearing the right size.  38D.

I won the first battle.  And I wasn't convinced that what Julie had in her bag of tricks was really going to make all that much difference.  I was wearing the right size.  It was a pretty decent bra.  What did I need with her expensive stuff?

Oh how I was wrong Internet.  I stuffed my boobs into that 62 dollar contraption and the hills came alive with the sound of music.  I'm not lying I could hear singing, and bird chirping.  I almost twirled around right there in the bathroom. 

That thing did stuff.  It put my breasts where god and everyone could see them.  It lifted.  Separated.  Supported.  Instead of having a boob fat roll I had BOOBS.  Tits even.  But not in a slutty way.  In a natural this is how a woman is supposed to look way.

Julie didn't even have time to give me her sales pitch I just yelled from the stall I'll take it.  Then she explained I couldn't have that one.  She'd have to place an order for me and mine would arrive in 2-3 weeks.  The singing stopped Internet and Julie had to come in a pry that thing off me.  I didn't want to let it go it was the best thing that's ever happened to my breasts.

So I ordered two and very reluctantly put my breasts in my Target bra and slunk back to work.

Grand total-122.46 cents for two bras.  Loving your breasts-priceless.

-The Paper Dolls wants to buy the world a new bra

Freeing Myself from Shame

 

I started an Internet Read-Along for the book I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't).

We're just one chapter in.  So far the Internet community and podcasts really haven't done anything for me but the book is great.  As a woman growing up in the South I'm well acquainted with shame and shaming.

We even have a special little phrase we use to judge, shame, and blame, Bless her heart.

If you say, "Bless her heart first," then you are free to shame, judge, gossip, bitch, moan, and anything you can think of.  You can even follow up a bad statement with, "Bless her heart" if you think you were particularly cruel.

And since playing nice and keeping up appearances are especially important to us tea swilling southerners I think shame is wide spread epidemic here.

I grew up in a very small town.  Shame was practically spread on bread and served with every meal.  There was an undercurrent of it in everything we were taught.  Don't pull on your dress.  Don't say that.  Don't wear that.  Don't drink that.  Don't get pregnant.  Don't do drugs.  All fine and dany if it weren't for, "the because of what people might think," that followed all those rules.  Whether it was said out loud or not you knew your mama didn't want you wearing that Nirvana shirt because what people might think.  And those people might talk.  And they might tell Nana.  And then what would Nana think.  Letting your child out in public dressed like that.  And then your momma would feel ashamed for not being a better mother.

Give me any situation and I guarantee I can get to shame in seven degrees or less.

As I've begun to peel back the onion of my self awareness I've discovered that way of thinking of teaching your children has poisoned me.  I'm a victim of shame.  I have pools of it from when I was a kid.

To this day I still feel ashamed about something that happened in the 4th grade.

THE 4TH GRADE PEOPLE.  I can recall exactly what I was wearing.  What the teacher said.  What the other kids did for their assignment.  Click my heels and I'm right back in the 4th grade standing up in front of the class lying about why I didn't have my homework.  And the teacher is shaming me.  Mrs. Davis.  Gah.

And that's only one of the things I feel shame for.  Let's not forget the hundreds of others.  And for mostly really minor stuff.  Stuff that shouldn't pack such a punch.

I mean it was one dumb homework assignment.  I still got all A's.  I still managed to graduate high school and go on to college.  Hell, I even have a good job. 

But can I focus on all that?  No.  Just that one time in 4th grade I screwed up.

Shame is a deadly thing.  It cuts you off from all your strengths.  It tells you how stupid and messed up you are.  It doesn't allow for growth or change.

And yet it's everywhere. 

I encourage anyone reading to check out the site and pick up a copy of the book. 

It feels really nice letting go of shame.

-The Paper Doll thinks y'all are beautiful

Over the Counter (and Under)

Dear Internet,

Where to begin?

I had the crud most of last week.  You know those god awful commercials with the animated mucous people?  Yeah they took over my body and invaded my sinuses.  And made me collect my spittle in a cup for inspection.  Turns out other people aren't really interested in what you hack up.

In fact it's sort of nauseatingly gross to them.

I just thought it sort of a feat.  Who know my body could produce a substance of such color and slime.  I was proud of what my sinus cavity created.  The Musician on the other hand not so much.  I believe gag would more aptly describe his feelings about the matter.

So while I should have been gorging on eggs and chocolate I was huffing Sudafed and praying to the gods for forgiveness because clearly I had done something to anger them the pain in my throat, head, and nose was so bad.

Today I feel better.  Well better in body but not spirit.

See, when I tore out of work in a fever induced stupor on Wednesday I left my anti-depressants.  I spent most of Thursday knocked out.  So by the time I realized my error on Friday the building was on lock down for the Easter holiday.

I went 4 days without my meds and I could feel the difference.  Well not until the Musician hurtfully asked, Are you off your meds?

Aside from the dickery of the comment he was right.  I WAS off my meds.  I was a crying.  Short tempered mess.  He didn't handle it well.  I didn't handle it well.  It was perhaps one of the worst weeks of our coupledom.

I know there was a lot more to it than just not having the drugs in my system.  I was sick.  Easter is especially hard for me.  It was one of my mom's favorite holidays.  I bored.  Oh god was I bored.  And the University has completely screwed up my financial aid.

So I had a lot going on.

But it makes me worry about the future when I do go off my antidepressants.

It also makes me worry about the Musician and me.

I need someone who can handle me.  Meds or not.  And we barely squeaked by this week.

I did, however, make a decision about the couch.  I'm going with the white.  And the corner version. 

Once I got tired of Oprah and felt a little better I measured out my space and marked where the loveseat and couch combination would go.  And then I marked the corner couch dimensions. 

Results were overwhelmingly in favor of the corner version.  It'd just be too much furniture if I got the couch and the love seat.  And it would waste a lot of space.

So I'm putting in an order for the white corner Ektorp because ofcourse it isn't available in my local store so I'll be paying the 200 dollar shipping and handling fee.  Yay!

I also have a lot of house projects and things to up date you on.  Turns out when you're high on Sudaded you can get a lot of stuff done.

Pictures will be forth coming.

XO,

The Paper Doll

Grace in Small Things: 24 of 365

1. the new album i bought by little joy it's the perfect blend of old motown and indie rock
2. cutting my hair tonite
3. finishing the dining room chairs
4. first podcast for the book read along i joined
5. packing my lunch today

Calling All People with Opinions

So Internet,

The most exciting thing that's happened is I bought deodorant.  Sixteen dollar deodorant.  But damn it I got three free samples!

Oh there will be more posts about said deodorant in the future, Internet, I can promise you that.  It was sixteen dollars I've gotta get my money's worth.

And now I need you to help me with something.  I need a new couch.  I've been thinking about the Ikea Extorp because you know I'm a masochist and enjoy screaming at the Musician and trying to interpret picture directions.

The only this is...the color selection is umm lacking.  I love the white and think it would look great in my chocolate brown living room.  But I have a dog and a very messy best friend roommate.  How practical is a glaringly white couch?  Will I be afraid to sit on it.  To eat.  Drink.  Sleep. Least I mar the thing.  And ooh I just thought about red wine. 

But then I heard white's the best because you can just toss it in the wash with some oxyclean (or a rip off version because I refuse to support that man who screams at you about superior whitening power).

So white or not?

And if I don't go with the white what other color?  I'm not real smitten with any of the others.  And I know there's always Bemz.  I already ordered some samples from them.  But it feels kinda stupid to buy a couch only to have to spend more money to recover the thing.

Also, do I go with a sofa and a love seat or the corner version?

I've never bought furniture in all my 26 years.  I operate on the hand-me-down system.  So maybe I'm putting too much thought into this.

I mean it's only a damn couch FROM IKEA!  It's not like an investment piece.

But still I need help.

Help?

The sooner we all solve this problem the sooner I can talk about things other than my house.  Like how I have a huge girl crush on this girl. 

-The Paper Doll believes you are the answer

Grace in Small Things: 23 of 365

1. Lindsey for actually reading about my deodorant problem and making a suggestion
2. that I can afford to spend 16 dollars on deodorant
3. that I know that is ridiculous
4. that I bought it anyway
5. that I'm one step closer to completing an item on my 100 things

Depressing News Update

Dear Internet,

I'm sick of talking about my house.  Seriously, all I've done lately is put up poorly done photoshop pictures.  I haven't talked about anything. 

Like how it seems like Monet sneaked into town and painted all the flowers one nite so when I woke up my yard was full of color.  Things I didn't even know bloomed are bursting with pink and purple. 

This has only added to my desire to clean and neaten.

I've also gotten down to 80 on my list of 100 things (just 20 more to think of!).  Number 80 is go green.  If I let myself I would so become a hippy (although I don't think I could ever manage to listen to Phish regularly).  I'm talking hippy in the only eat free range and organic.  Only use natural products.  Buy less.  Hippy.

I don't want to just throw out what I'm using so as I run out of products I'm replacing them with natural ones.  Which has lead me to this discovery-nothing in nature can combat my underarm funk.  Seriously.

I've tried Tom's of Maine.  I've tried those magical deodorant stones.  They don't work.  And with the brutal Southern summer just around the corner I need help.  I need all natural sweat help.  I don't mind a little stink.  In fact I think a little stink is good.  It's who I am.  I just don't want to STINK.  Did you get that subtle difference?

I'm also very aware that "regular" deodorant may be the culprit for breast cancer and I'd like to keep my breasts thank you very much.

I'd also like to now talk about something more interesting.  I don't really post for days and all I come up with is a discussion about deodorant?  God, I've gotten lame at blogging.

Now I shall list some things that have been bothering me:

Our governor is being really silly and thinking about not taking the federal stimulus money.  This could mean that thousands of jobs will be lost.  This could mean my own pay could be seriously docked.  This could mean a lot of bad bad bad stuff for our state and with me going back to grad school I really need this job.  It's the first time in all this bad economy stuff that I've begun to sweat a little (aaaand we're back at deodorant).

There's also a proposal to start charging state employees an extra 25 dollars a month in health insurance premiums if they're overweight.  25 DOLLARS A MONTH!  This makes me sad for lots of reasons mostly because for the first time in my life I'd be considered overweight.

Which leads me to this f-ed up little tidbit.  Sometimes when I'm out I hope people think I'm pregnant instead of just fat.  Seriously, Internet I've had that thought.  Maybe people will just think you're pregnant.

What the hell?

Of course I haven't been to the gym this week and all I ate for dinner last nite were chocolate covered peanuts so I'm not really doing anything to help that situation.

Let's see, what else depressing news can I talk about?

My kitchen's a wreck.  I have to go to a co-worker's father's funeral.  My puppy has to have her who-ha taken out next week.  My registration for school's all messed up.  And I'm about to start my period.

Good times.  Good times.

I shall now go back to posting pictures of my house.

-The Paper Doll is just keeping it real

Living Room Layout

Living Room Mock Up Take Two

No Words

Dear Internet,

I keep wanting to tell you about my trip to Ikea this past weekend but all that comes to mind is:

1. Ikea=total clusterfuck.

2. Now I completely understand why Edward Norton blew up his apartment and developed a split personality.

You guys know this though.  You've been to Ikea.  You know about the arrows on the floor, and the screaming children, and THE FURNITURE THAT COMES IN BOXES. 

BOXES INTERNET.  BOXES.

There's nothing new I can add to the Ikea discussion.  Except maybe the experience of going to Ikea in the South.

Oh how I love you South but my your people just don't get Ikea, do they?  They gawk.  And fondle.  And wonder how the hell to pronounce Domsjo and such.  They ram you with their strollers rather than stray from the beaten concrete path. 

And heaven forbid they drop their spawn off in Smaland.  There might be drugs in the magical forest.  Or worse people of a different ethnicity.  Better you stay with me and scream the whole time we're shopping.

I did manage to get out of there with a bookcase, a salad spinner, a whisk, and a magnetic knife holder.  The last few items were out of defense.  I'd been there so long I needed something to shove in my big yellow bag and those things just happened to be within my reach.  I also imagined I could Mcguvyer something up with the salad spinner and whisk if I needed to invent a mechanism to get me the hell out of there fast should the arrows never lead to an exit.

Ikea=mandatory trip for all couples contemplating marriage.

Living Room Mock Up

Grace in Small Things: 22 of 365

1. doing what's right in the moment and not worrying
2. getting all the furniture moved
3. having a grand plan for my space nailed down
4. ikea trip sunday!!!!
5. time to myself tonite

Dining Room Chairs Idea Board

Off the Deep End

 

Hey Internet,

You like my mad photoshop skillz don't you?  Yeah ok I suck.  But hey you have to give me some credit as the original photo had a dinning room table and chairs right smack where that beautiful cut, pasted, and cloned chaise lounge sits (it's the one from my bedroom before that's now in my living room but not for long!).

There's a small bookcase that resides with the chaise lounge that will get a coat of paint.  That china hutch will become art supply storage and the knobs will get switched out.  Long curtains that pool on the floor will be made from Anna Maria Horner's Good Folks Sun fabric and a new toss pillow will be bought.

The rug is just dreaming as it's from Anthropologie and costs a small fortune.  I'm thinking I can get a cheap one and paint a repeating design on it similar to this one.

The walls you can't see will house a desk, some wall shelves, and maybe a new bookcase from Ikea.

I would make a mock of all that except I don't want to make you jealous of my skillz have a photo to use.

As you can see I've gone a bit crazy.  Who spends their afternoon doing such things?

Gah.

-The Paper Doll wants you to forgive her

Grand Plan

Good Lord Internet all I can think about is getting my house in order.  I'm not even pregnant and nesting consumes all my free time.

In order to get some of my brain back I need to tell you what I have planned.  I'll probably even post some pictures and do some photoshop mock ups because I have gone that crazy.

So, if I had all the money in the world I'd completely redo my kitchen.  I'd knock down the walls between the studio and the kitchen and move the cabinets and sink and such over to what is now the studio.  Then the free kitchen space would become the dinning room.  And the dinning room would become a little reading nook office space because the studio would move to the great building I have in my backyard.  This makes no sense to you does it Internet?  You have no idea how my house is laid out so you really can't picture this can you?  I'll get you a picture so you can see how genius my idea is.

Of course I don't have all the money in the world so I'm going to do a version of this until I win the lottery and can afford to tear things up and rebuild.  For now I'm going to move the dinning room to the studio and make the dinning room a little reading nook office space studio.

Part of the impetus for this was the lunch party I had on Sunday.  My current dinning room is just too freaking small.  It barely has room for a four top round table and my family is way bigger than four.  And part of my 100 things is to host a holiday at my house and I need a bigger space for that.  Plus I want a big table I can spread all my grad stuff out on to study and a quiet little nook I can read in.

This means I'll need new curtains and to paint some furniture because I can't just move the stuff that would be way too easy of course. 

The first step is to clean the studio because it currently looks like this...

 

And yes I know that's a question mark up there in the photo.  The font had no apostrophe and I wanted to knowledge punctuation went there thank you very much.  So, let's all pretend ummkay?

PS-I also realize these are crappy pictures and I must speak to The Musician about this ASAP.

Kitchen Curtains Mock Up

Here's a rough photoshop mock up of what I'm going to use that fabric I ordered yesterday for....

PS-The Musician took this photo and lots more of the house this weekend and they all turned out sort of blurry.  Not sure what's up with that.  Eventually, I want to replace those horrible cabinets and countertops as well as finish the hardwood floors.  There was awful linoleum that I ripped up.  Now I just need to sand and stain them to match the rest of the house.  But that's a project I can't quite muster up the courage to undertake. 

Grace in Small Things: 21 of 365

1. a successful lunch on sunday
2. the musician having this saturday nite off
3. a great new book from the ex-parisian redhead to read in my hammock
4. allergy shots
5. this fabric i just bought for my kitchen windows

 

I Don't Think It's Supposed to Taste Like That

 

Hey Y'all,

That's what my dinning room table looked like on Sunday.  I had The Musician's parents over for lunch to celebrate his mom's birthday.  And yes that's a special plate that says Happy Birthday used just for birthday occasions.  I'm sorry but I had no choice but to inherit the Martha Stewart gene.  It's a sickness most southern women suffer from.

Anyhoo, I did a little investigative work and discovered his mom's favorite dessert is some hot fudge cake she gets at Rush's.  So I whipped out my cookbooks in search of some approximation.  Betty Crocker came through for me with her Hot Fudge Sundae Cake recipe.

Now do y'all know the difference between canola oil and vegetable oil?  Because before 11pm on Saturday night I didn't.

I was so proud of myself for finding something similar to her favorite dessert and for having all the ingredients on hand in my new pantry that I couldn't wait to get started baking.  I just knew after she tasted this dessert she would adopt me as her second daughter.  And of course it'd get me in as the favorite in-law.  Maybe she'd even be so impressed she'd call The Musician and force him to ask for my hand in marriage.  This cake was the key to my future, everything hinged on it turning out well.

After 10 minutes of dreaming about my wedding dress I got everything mixed up and it came time to add the oil.  Turns out the bottle I had in my new pantry was canola oil NOT vegetable oil.  It being late Saturday nite I figured what the hey oil is oil is oil, right Internet?

Yeah, not so much it turns out.

After mixing everything up I settled in to lick the spoon and ICK.  It was the worst tasting batter I'd ever eaten.  Someone had put burnt popcorn in my chocolate.  Surly this was not how her favorite dessert was supposed to taste.  And if I was I wasn't sure I could have a mother-in-law who thought this was tasty.  I mean gag me with a wooden spoon this stuff tasted horrible.

I decided to bake it anyway and let The Musician be the judge when he got home.  Maybe my taste buds were just tired, or burned off, or crazy.  However, his reaction was even worse than mine.   The poor boy couldn't even swallow it and made a mad dash to the trashcan to spit it out.  Clearly, Betty did not mean for her Hot Fudge Sundae Cake to illicit such a response.

So at around 12am I made a run to our 24 hour grocery store to buy VEGETABLE oil.  And now I have a whole cake in my fridge that I don't know what to do with.  The dog can't eat it because it's chocolate and we can't eat it because it's gross. 

I'm thinking if I drown it in enough vanilla ice cream I might be able to choke it down.

But let this be a warning to you Internet.  When Betty Crocker says vegetable oil you better listen to her.

And better yet the whole ordeal begs the question-What the hell do you do with Canola oil and why do I have it in my pantry?

PS-The other cake I made a 1 o'clock in the morning turned out just fine.  She declared it tasted even better than the one she gets at Rush's.  So booya-I'm still the valedictorian of life.

Grace in Small Things: 20 of 365

1. IT'S FRIDAY!!! Whoooooo!
2. finishing my dresser
3. the perfect blue sky
4. hosting The Musician's parents for lunch Sunday
5. short work day

What I Want Now: Kitchen

Rules of Blogging?

So Internet,

As you can see I'm sprucing things up around here.  New design.  Addition of a picture.  Some photo album links.

Which leads me to a problem.  I have no idea what picture to use for my about me thing.  One that shows my face?  An arty one?  One where my face is sort of hidden?  A goofy one?  A pretty one?  I have no idea.  I've been experimenting with several but so far I don't know.  I know everyone loves a picture of the blogger (it's one of the first things I look for on a blog) but I'm wondering if it some how ruins things if you know what I look like.

Like if you've been reading me and you kind of have an idea of what I look like and then bam you click on here and there I am.  Is that jarring?  Disappointing?

I remember the first time I saw what Ira Glass looked like I was sort of sad I didn't have my own made up image anymore.  It was quite bittersweet. 

Thoughts?

Also, I have no idea what the proper etiquette for responding to comments is.  Do I leave a comment on my blog?  Do I comment on the other person's blog?  What about sending email?  How far into the virtual relationship do you email?

There are comments I want to respond to I just have no idea how so I'm posting my responses here.

From forever ago, Antiplath the butterfly migration is in Mexico.  Check this out.

Keely if you are still reading I'm so sorry.  Please email me if you ever want to talk.  It will get better I promise.  You'll always miss her but the ache will dull over time.  Please know I'm thinking about you.

Michelle, I love your site.  Thanks for taking the time to stop by and comment. 

If you've commented and I never responded I'm sorry.  I do appreciate everyone who takes the time to respond.  It makes me feel really good when I see a new comment on my page.

Hopefully I'll get better about this.  I also need to start commenting on other people's pages more.  But alas.

Oh, and expect more photos in the future.  I really want to start using my camera more.  And now that I've revealed myself there may even be pictures of the Musician forthcoming.  Who knows?!?

And if there's anything you guys want to see let me know.

-The Paper Doll loves you all

Grace in Small Things: 19 of 365

1. getting unexpected change-a buck fifty
2. making changes to this site
3. having a coworker go pick up lunch for me
4. installing the finishing touch to the pantry
5. working out last nite

The Great Pantry Reveal of 2009

Dear Internet,

I never had food in my house.  Seriously.  Never. 

The only storage I had for what little food I did have was in the recesses of a dark lower cabinet.  One would have to sit on the floor or crouch on their knees only to discover there was nothing edible save for an old box of macaroni and cheese.

It did not make for good eating habits.  And it wasted gas as I found myself driving to the grocery store daily to pick up a handful of items most people would normally have laying around their pantries.

I'm not blaming this dank cabinet for my 50 pound weight gain but it did contribute to my ballooning. 

Now that the Musician has installed a beautiful pantry for me I've had quite the revelation.  I have a grocery store in my house.  That's right Internet.  A GROCERY STORE IN MY HOUSE!

When I come home I no longer have to make a grocery list and run out to the store.  I just walk over to my pantry select what I want and get dinner cooking.

IT'S AMAZING!!!  THERE'S FOOD AND I CAN SEE IT AND IT'S RIGHT IN MY HOUSE!!! 

I know this seems like a small thing.  Millions of people across the world have a pantry.  But really it's more than that.  Building this pantry is a tangent symbol of the changes I'm making within.  The cleaning, organizing, and paring down.

The handle I'm getting over my eating habits and how I think about food.  It's easier to make good choices when they're right there in front of me in the pantry. 

I no longer have an excuse to order take out.  Or pick up something unhealthy on one of my millions of trips to the grocery store.

I'm eliminating temptation Internet and it feels good.

Plus I'm streamlining my life for when I start grad school.  I need everything to be as easy and accessible as possible.  I need to know when I get home at 10:30 there's healthy food in the house to eat and that I won't have to get down on my knees with a flashlight to find it.

It's the best house project I've done to date because not only does it up my property value but it makes me feel good.

And without further ado here's the new, wonderful, life altering, waist whittling, pantry.... 

Ps-Can you find the vegetarian HAGIS?

Grace in Small Things: 18 of 365

1. time alone tonite
2. getting my house how i want it slowly but surely
3. opening my water bill and finding a coupon for a free spay
4. scheduling the appointment for stella's free surgery
5. stocking my new pantry

Grace in Small Things: 17 of 365

1. taking a day off
2. finishing the pantry! (pictures to come)
3. my car
4. starting my period
5. getting stuff done

New Couch?

So Internet,

Some of you are going to recoil in horror I realize that.  But I'm loving this line of furniture from Squint.  What I don't love is the price tag (and that's in pounds!).  So I'm wondering how hard it would be to do this myself.  I have an old couch that needs recovering.  I have lots of fabrics.  Can I do this?  Whataya think?

Grace in Small Things: 16 of 365

1. wearing an outfit that makes me feel good
2. getting the paper i ordered for the pantry
3. starting a book club next month
4. listening to my own body
5. yoga at my desk

Grace in Small Things: 15 of 365

1. the weather! 
2. my new hammock
3. going to yoga at my new gym (next step going back to my yoga studio)
4. organizing my house, getting rid of stuff, nesting
5. circus tickets

MC Hammock

So Internet,

I've done one of my 26 things. 

We put up a hammock in my backyard and it is a glorious thing.  Ever since it went into the ground and the cement set I've spent as much time in it as I can.  It's perfect for reading, napping, writing, making out, drinking wine...

It makes me happy and keeps me from stuffing my face out of boredom.

-The Paper Doll loves this time of year 

Studio Closet Before

Step One

Dear Internet,

So I tried that whole create versus consume and boy does it work.  I have this shelf in my kitchen.  A messy collect all drive me crazy shelf.  So last Thursday I drove myself to Lowe's, bought a spice rack that goes on the back of your cabinet door, and got rid of the messy collect all drive me crazy shelf.  Now all my spices are neatly tucked away where no one can see them.  And my left eye no longer twitches when I walk into the kitchen.

This led to me cleaning out my studio closet.  A watch out don't open that or else there will be a landslide of a mess closet.  My studio is right next to the kitchen and since the closet was more throw things in there and not deal with them rather than functional I had the brilliant idea of turning it into a pantry for my kitchen which doesn't have one.

It took me all evening to go through the crap.  Then I measured, made a sketch of what I had in mind, and took myself back to Lowe's.

I haven't hung the shelves I bought yet because I'm waiting for the wallpaper I ordered to arrive.  Because what's a pantry without fun wallpaper on the inside?

Fun Wallpaper...

During the whole process all I had to eat was a cup of yogurt.  I never got hungry.  Never opened the fridge.  Never picked at anything.  It simply wasn't an issue.

I filled my time with creating not stuffing my face.

Project for tonite: cleaning out the bathroom closet.  And trying out those space bags I bought for this purpose last year.

-The Paper Doll thinks this is the best diet ever

Spring Cleaning

Dear Internet,

I really like what Antiplath had to say on my previous post.  The idea of creating instead of consuming.  I fill my life with consumption.  Food.  Clothes.  Stuff for my house.  Music.  TV.  I'm literally eating myself through life.

I need to stop filling myself up with stuff. 

Recently I've had this overwhelming urge to shed.  I'm talking go through my house and get rid of everything that doesn't serve me.  Clean my plate-get rid of sugar and carbs and processed food.  Get a new haircut.  Exfoliate my skin.

I'm thinking of starting a month long ban on buying stuff.  I've started rereading Healthy Living from the Inside Out and picked up a book about emotional eating.  The Musician and I have a date to begin the Artist's Way.  I'd like to cut out TV.

I'm going to challenge myself to make things, do things.  Fill myself with ideas, books, creativity.  Not STUFF.

Getting control over my eating is just a small part of how I need to clean myself up. 

And I think if I begin creating instead of consuming the overeating will correct itself.

Thanks Antiplath.  I needed to hear that.

-The Paper Doll challenges you to do your own spring cleaning

The First of 12 Steps*

Dear Internet,

I have an unhealthy relationship with food.  I blame my mother who when I was two would hand me a cookie when I cried.  If that didn't work she'd hand me another one.

Now I cry because none of my clothes fit and I'm not exaggerating about either.  Sunday I stood in front of my closet and sobbed.  Sobbed.  Gut wrenching.  Snot inducing tears Internet.

And then I realized it was time I got real with myself.  Not just the you're fat you need to do something that's on repeat in my brain.  But really do something.  Like admit to the whole Internet I need to lose 50 pounds.  That I, The Paper Doll weigh close to two hundred pounds.  TWO HUNDRED POUNDS.

I don't even know how this happened.  One day I was a size eight the next fourteens were tight.

I hate my body Internet.  HATE.  I look at myself and don't even recognize me.  My body is a foreign thing.  Too big.  Lumpy.  Scarred with stretch marks.  My face has ballooned out and if I hold my neck in a certain way I have a double chin.  I do not enjoy being me right now.  I am officially fat and that's such an ugly word.

I've always been voluptuous.  I have a natural hourglass figure and large breasts.  That I love.  But it's all covered up now.  Now all you see is a fat girl.  A fat girl who thinks she's thin.  Who wears too tight clothing and is self-conscious and insecure.  Ashamed of what she's let herself become.

AND I know.  I know.  I'm more than my body.  It's what's on the inside that counts.  I know all that Internet I do.  But when your clothes don't fit.  When the shape of you is covered in wobbly bits.  When you eat and you don't know why.  You're not even hungry.  When you call for take out for something to do.  It's not healthy.  It's not serving the insides.

AND I'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

I exercise.  Six days a week.  30mins on the elliptical everyday.  Then I alternate lifting weights.  Two days of upper body.  Two of lower.  Abs everyday.  And one day off weights.  So it's not that.  That I got down.

It's the eating.  The shoving things in my mouth.  The eating because it's there.  Because I want it.  Because I'm bored.  Because everyone else is.  Because I'll burn it off at the gym.  Because I feel empty.  Because I LOVE FOOD.  I love cooking.  I love eating.  I love grocery shopping.  I love everything there is about food. 

I just don't love the body it gives me.  And it consumes me.  Most of my day is spent thinking about what I'm going to eat.  When lunch is.  What I'll make for dinner. 

It's become obsessive.  And I know it could be worse.  It could be meth or crack or sex.  But an addiction is an addiction.

That's why I'm starting right here and admitting:

My name is The Paper Doll and I'm an Overeater.

(Hello The Paper Doll)

*May it be noted that I also have PMS and things usually get a little wonky with me around these times.  That's not to say I'm not unhappy with my body because I am.  It's just highly possible the dramatics may be due to the fact that you know I'm bloated, craving chocolate, and scheduled to begin bleeding from my who-ha in a week.  I'm just sayin.

Nesting

Dear Internet,

I went to a conference pertaining to my future career Saturday.  There were other grad students there and one girl I interviewed with.  The whole thing did nothing but smack me in face and say, "YOU ARE A GRAD STUDENT NOW WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!"

Then I had a sudden urge to go home and organize my whole house.  I imagine this is what pregnant women are talking about when they use the term nesting.  When you know your life is about to become ridiculously chaotic and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it but make sure your kitchen cabinets are tidy.

It's all I can think about today Internet.  How will I ever manage to get through grad school with an unkempt laundry room?  HOW?

Furthermore, how can I possibly pay for grad school when there are all these other things that I must pay for and get done before even considering school.  Like a new roof, and remodeling my kitchen.  Clearly I must do those things before registering for classes!

Of course I made a list:

Finish my bedroom-fix my headboard, hang pictures, get curtains, pillows, and enlarge my closet

LAUNDRY ROOM!!!!!-clean out, paint, organize, move door, and install new windows

Clean out hall closet

That shelf in the kitchen-DO SOMETHING

CLOSET IN STUDIO!!!!!

So if I don't kill myself with this to do list.  There will always be studying come June!

-The Paper Doll is silly

Making My Dreams Reality

So Internet,

I'm worried about myself.  I have very realistic dreams.  Dreams I remember later through my waking day.  But then I get confused.  Is what I'm remembering real or did I just dream it?  And these aren't bizarre dreams filled with flying or two headed monsters.  These are real dreams.  Dreams full of things I'd really say and do.

Dreams about my family, my friends, my co-workers.  Things that have happened or could have happened.  Things I've thought but not said.  Or did I?

There aren't many things I wouldn't say or do in front of my friends and lovers.  So my dreams about them don't bother me.  But the ones about my co-workers and family.  When I can't remember if I actually said that to her face.  They get to me.

Especially the ones when I'm talking about someone behind their back.  And usually it's stuff I really do think (which doesn't make the dreams-if they are in fact dreams- all that far fetched).  But to say that stuff out loud.  That's not me.  And of course you can't ask the person.  Because if it was just a dream then you just admitted the woman in cubicle A has an annoying high-pitched laugh that you can't stand.

But then you also can't just do nothing because what if you did have a conversation about how the woman in cubicle A has an annoying high-pitched laugh that you can't stand.  You don't want that sort of thing to get around.  And you also don't want the person you told to think you're a complete moron when she says to you later, God did you hear the woman in cubicle A this morning?, and you give her a blank stare.

So what's a girl to do when her dreams really do become reality?

-The Paper Doll's head is swimming

To Do

Dear Internet,

I've tried the 101 in 1001.  I keep a list of 100 things to do before I die.  I make New Year's resolutions.  I write down to do's and have to's all the time.

This year I want to try something different. 

26 things to accomplish in my 26th year.  Reasonable things from all my lists that I know I can do this year.

1. lose 26lbs (or more but 26 sounds reasonable and it's my whole theme)
2. have a hammock in my backyard
3. join the contemporaries
4. pay everything off
5. finish the artist's way
6. start grad school and do well
7. learn how to play imagine on the piano
8. go to the library book sale
9. go to the dentist
10. finish my bedroom
11. tidy up the laundry room
12. ride my bike without holding the handlebars
13. take a trip with dad
14. host a holiday
15. make a new friend
16. plant an herb garden
17. do something for ruthie
18. clean out, organize, and throw away
19. get my car tuned up
20. get my yard cleaned up
21. preform random acts of kindness
22. do something for carroll
23. go on a picnic with the musician
24. visit the ex-parisian redhead
25. go back to yoga
26. have an amazing year full of love and thanks

Grace in Small Things: 14 of 365

1. today.  thursday.  god i love thursdays.
2. a great cheap meal last nite
3. time to myself
4. my new book.  originally 30 dollars on sale for 6!
5. tax refund directly deposited yesterday!

The Joys of Modern Medicine

Dear Internet,

This is a banner year.  I'm turning 26 on the 26th.  I think there's something to that, although I'm not yet sure what.  But there is something.

Last year sucked.  I mean sucked.  It got off to a rough start and never really picked up any speed.  It dragged and drugged and hemmed and hawed and was generally hard to get along with.

But man has this year been different.  AND IT'S ONLY FEBRUARY!

For one thing I got into grad school!  I GOT INTO GRAD SCHOOL INTERNET!  DO YOU KNOW HOW FREAKING AMAZING THAT IS?

GRAD SCHOOL!  And not just further your education, get a shingle grad school.  But grad school to train me how to do something, get a job I love when I'm done grad school!  I get to have a job I love. 

WTF, Internet?  WTF.

Up until this point in my life I thought you were supposed to get paid to do something all day you hated.  And then go home and bitch about it over drinks with all your friends who are also all getting paid to do things they hate.

Turns out not so much Internet.  You can in fact enjoy your job!

Who knew?

As if that isn't enough.  The Musician and I are doing swimmingly.  Things have gotten so much better between us.  I blame exercise and antidepressants.  Turns out when you're happy you're much easier to be with.  You also don't get the urge to scream and cry because he put that dish in the wrong place.  Don't you know where the dish goes?  We cannot eat off any other dish where the hell is it!

What I'm saying Internet is I've been able to let things go.  This has been very hard for me.  I have red hair.  Not getting the last word in is nearly impossible.  So is not crying when those commercials come on about Dove true beauty.  I'm a ball of emotions Internet and nothing stops all of them from spewing out at any given moment.  But man has the exercising, drugs, and therapy done a wonder on all that.

Drama has been reduced and so has the use of profanities.  I like to think this moves me up a notch in the afterlife line.

But let me talk about the therapy for a minute.  It rocks!  Seriously, Internet.  I had all these notions as to what therapy was.  And what it'd say about me if I went.  Wrong.  So wrong.

Therapy is great.  And my Carroll.  Boy is she amazing.  Things that I've been carrying around with me for years have disappeared.  It's like someone slapping you in the face and screaming do you realize how dumb that is.  Except she does it all nice and stuff.  And she gives you a hug and hands you a tissue.

If you're even thinking about therapy.  If there's even the tinniest voice way back in the very back back of your head that thinks you might ought to try it.  For the love of god get thee to a couch immediately.  Seriously.  Don't worry.  Don't psyche yourself out.  Don't do anything but make a call and go talk to someone.  It will change  your life.

That person you've always wanted to be.  The one you know you really are deep inside.  Well therapy lets you be that somebody.

And good lord if you've lost anyone close to you you totally get to cut in line.  In fact you can have my next appointment.  That's how much I believe you need to do this for yourself.

So in closing (whew I didn't mean this post to get so windy) this year is amazing and I can't wait to turn another year old.  Because this birthday marks the very beginning of me.  The real deep down me.

-The Paper Doll loves you and wants to buy you an ice cream cone

Grace in Small Things: 13 of 365

1. the obamas seriously did you see this?  how about this?  and i don't think our former first lady bush ever did this.  regardless of your politics you gotta admit these are just good people.
2. exercise last nite
3. the musician cleaning the kitchen
4. free time tonite
5. free breakfast

Grace in Small Things: 12 of 365

1. although my vagina is still technically broken my hpv has disappeared.  now i just have to get rid of the abnormal cells.  hopefully it will happen naturally otherwise they're going back in there.  luckily i don't have to worry about that for another four months.
2. GETTING INTO GRAD SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3. starting the artist's way with the musician
4. painting the hideous ceiling fan in my bedroom
5. big blue my new bicycle

Watch "the jane austen book club" next time you're home sick if you're a girl